Dream facilitators and dream makers

As parents, we have big dreams for our children. And surely our biggest dream is to make their dreams come true!

Most parents make great sacrifices to ensure children get the best education and career opportunities so they can achieve their potential. For instance if your child wants to be an engineer, it’s very clear what the goals should be — admission into a reputed institution, job in a great company and so on.

When it comes to sports, however, we sometimes have a hard time recognising the difference between our aspirations, and the dreams and goals of children. Very often, parents impose their dreams and aspirations on children. They want them to fulfill their own thwarted ambitions.

This can lead to conflict and resentment on both sides, and family discord. There are three things you can do to avoid conflict, and ensure that your child’s sports experience is rewarding and enriching.

First, don’t assume that you know why children play sports and what they want to get out of it. Your current world view is that of a parent, an adult — bent upon seeing how your child can succeed in a competitive world. On the other hand your child is just that — a child with his/ her own world view.

In my experience, the main reasons parents encourage their children to play sports are to:

• Build character

• Become physically fit

• Stay out of trouble

• Learn life skills

• Run with a wholesome crowd

• Earn a scholarship

But have you ever heard a child say, "I think I’ll take up football so I can learn a few life skills?"

Very unlikely. The main reasons kids choose to play sports are:

• Sports and games are fun

• They are exciting

• It gives them something to do with their friends

• They bring peer recognition and acceptance

• Sports allow them to acquire extra-curricular skills

If you compare the two lists above, you’ll find a great difference in the attitudes of adults and children toward sports. For adults, a sport is a means to an end. For children, a favourite sport is an end in itself. To support your child in her sporting experience, it is important that you understand her objectives as much as you understand your own.

So make time to sit with your children and find out what their reasons are for preferring a particular sport. Sometimes, you can find these reasons by just spending time with them and seeing what excites your child while playing a particular sport.

Next, realise that your job as a parent is to be a dream facilitator, not a dream maker. Dream facilitators support their children as the latter try to achieve their dreams. Dream makers attempt to impose their own dreams on children. Athletes who are doing it for mom or dad typically run out of gas before they get very far down the road their parents charted for them.

And the longer they pursue their parent’s ambitions for them, the greater the blow-up when it finally comes.

Do you want to be a dream facilitator? If so bear these points in mind.

• Try to understand and appreciate your children’s reasons for playing sports

• Make an effort to understand the points where your goals and those of the children align

• Use the information you get from conversations with your children to enhance your relationship

• Be honest in evaluating your strengths and weaknesses when communicating with children about sports

• Encourage children to honestly discuss their feelings about sports with you

• Resist the temptation to say something like "When I was a boy (or girl)..."

• Resist telling ‘war stories’ about what it was like in the good ole days

• Don’t tell children they should be grateful for everything you do to further their sports opportunities

• Learn how to communicate your thoughts and feelings about sports without provoking a defensive response (the "I know, Dad (or Mom), I know" response)

• Learn where and when to seriously discuss sports issues with children

Sport is a powerful medium for children to shape their lives and as an adult, you can probably discern what your child needs to do to succeed in life. This doesn’t mean that you can’t share your perspective on the role of sport in the lives of your children. Just don’t expect them to agree with you, or to see the world in quite the same way.

If they do, be pleasantly and gratefully surprised.